The Freak Show at Lowe’s

*Disclaimer* I am seriously not a mean person. It might sound that way just reading this but I swear I’m not. You just have to see it all in order to get the full effect of the experience.

So today Mark and I had to go to Lowe’s to pick up some stuff for his school. No big deal, just a couple of boards – but we had to have them cut. Well, we find the stuff and try to get someone to help us cut it and we’re met with blank stares. Finally we see some of the glaring red vest people coming our way. One is a man who’s eyes literally go in opposite directions, constantly; the left one goes left and the right one goes right. The girl with him is bow-legged. No, not a slight bow either, I’m talking a nice doughnut shape when you see her legs as she walks. Whatever, no big deal. But they both look at us (or, in the case of the man, turn their face towards us) and we know they’ve seen us – do they offer help? No. They completely ignore us. I swear, it was like the “Oh shoot, don’t look over there at those customers, do you think they’ve spotted us? Run away before they make us help them” look. So they walk away from us and down the cornere and we just follow them and finally kidnap the girl as she passes again. As we’re walking back towards the boards she’s got one arm resting across her breasts and the other’s elbow is propped up on that and she’s rubbing her chin with her hand. Yes, I said rubbing her chin with her hand – as in “Hm…how did I get here? This is all very interesting,” actions. We explain what we need and she continues to look at the boards in this exact same stance for some time.

 Finally the eye-guy comes back and says “Oh, do you need help?” (ya think?) “I’ll take over from here,” and shoos the leg-girl away. We explain what we need once again; four large boards cut into several 2 foot by 2 foot pieces, simple right? The guy puts the boards on a huge cart and brings it over to the enormous saw they have and sits there and stares at it forever. Finally he turns to us and says “So, 2 foot square, right?” (No, we want a 2×2 rectangle, what do you think?) When he finally starts the process, two ladies walk up and wait for their lattice to be cut (just one simple cut). Unfortunately, we’ve got a lot of stuff and it’s going to take a long time. Anyway, they guy is halfway finished with our boards when he grabs a pair of goggles and says “Oh, I always forget this part of equipment,” and puts them on…only then he says “But I can’t actually see with them on.” Wow, that’s reassuring. A good 30 minutes later we’re on our way with the boards chanting the number 15483 so that the cashier will know what we have (because obviously the boards are much smaller than they used to be and she won’t recognize them).

No suprise – there’s only one cashier. The couple in front of us was literally building a toilet from scratch. Their basket was completely full with little pieces, and none of them were the same. So we’re waiting and waiting and suddenly a woman walks by and pulls open the front of her pants and jams her hand down there. WHAT? Mark is like “um, did she just stick her hand down the front of her pants?” Yep, she did. Weird.

So then we continue our conversation; “do you remember the number?” “Yeah, 15483.” “Ok.” ….. “do you remember the number?”…and so on. Then we begin to discuss what a bizarre trip to Lowe’s this has been – what with the eye-guy, the leg-girl, the toilet-couple, and the pants-woman. And…I swear…a woman walks up with a monkey in her shopping cart. Wait, did you read that right? A monkey? Yes. A monkey. Diaper with a hole in the butt for his tail and all. I am sitting there watching her trying (but not actually succeeding) to not make a fool of myself laughing. Anyway, it’s sitting in the little child-seat in the shopping cart. She’s got one of those leashes that you put on kids and she’s sitting there petting him and talking to him and stuff. Well, I guess it got upset (or, hey, maybe it was just being a monkey!) and started to rattle the cart. She grabs onto his shoulders and says “We already talked about this. Yes, we did. Just a minute ago we already had this conversation. Now, are you ready to behave?” Well, appearantly it wasn’t because as soon as she lets go he starts to do it again. She grabs onto him again and pulls him really close and starts doing the scary parent-whisper, “I said behave. Now, are you going to behave or not?” You can see the poor thing just kind of relax and calm down and suddenly it reaches up and starts un-buttoning her shirt. I am cracking up by this time and she’s looking around like she’s really embarassed but then she leans over to him and says “Not here honey. Wait until we get home. You can’t do that here.” Not HERE? Wait until we get HOME? And what exactly are you DOING? Honey? Good lord people are strange.

Anyway, I guess the cashier finally called for help because another woman walked up to the front to help. You guessed right, she – too – was severely disfigured. Only she was MEAN! She yelled at Mark because he wasn’t the person that the card was issued to – even though he already explained that it was a SCHOOL card and no, he was not the superintendant, just a teacher. Whatever. She gave us a little lecture like we were Mr. and Mrs. Evil or something. When that was over she says “Well, I guess I can let it slide this time.” (Yeah, would that be because you know if you don’t you’re going to have a ton of little boards that you’ll never use here? Or is it because you realize that you’re going to have two very unhappy customers on your hands if you don’t?)

We go out to the parking lot and guess who the people are that are parked nearest our car? Toilet-couple (who finished their transaction just a few seconds after we started ours) is still unloading teeny pieces of pipe and whatnot into their car. Monkey-lady walks out of the store and unlocks the truck and starts trying to coax the monkey into a car-seat. Anyway, our overall feeling after that was “Who needs a circus? Just go to Lowe’s!”

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3 Responses

  1. I literally have tears running down my face from laughter. That is HILARIOUS! I would’ve given up and collapsed into guffaws in the middle of the floor and given you one more person to write about!

  2. That was the funniest story ever! Ecspecially the monkey business! What in the world?!?!?!

  3. Wow. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time!!! Thanks for the hoots!

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